A Bite From My Bitterest Chocolate

“Love is always patient and kind. It is never jealous. Love is never boastful or conceited. It is never rude or selfish. It does not take offense and is not resentful. Love takes no pleasure in other people’s sins, but delights in the truth. It is always ready to excuse, to trust, to hope, and to endure whatever comes.” ~Nicholas Sparks, A Walk to Remember

Magical, surreal, puzzling- these were exactly what I felt during the first time I fell in love. It was a chapter in my life that I would say I will never ever forget. It was the sweetest chocolate that I have ever tasted and the bitterest medicine that I was forced to take.

I was only 13 then, my first year in high school. Amongst all of the new faces I was seeing, he stood out in the crowd. My heart then started pounding- so fast and so loud that it played a sweet melody to me and it was as if it was just me and him in the crowd. That was when I realized that there are other people and I started becoming conscious. I cannot even stare at him but I would never last a minute without even glancing at him. His stare makes me restless yet every time he does, I was in cloud nine!

Just like the usual teenager, I felt that it would last forever. I never wanted us to be apart. He promised he would stay, that he would never leave me, and of course, I believed him. We exchanged a lot of messages- sweet nothings that made me felt treasured, accepted, and most of all LOVED.

I was so busy being in loved that I already forgot that not all love stories end in happy ending. Unfortunately, my first love story ended that way. We started realizing our differences and we started noticing each other’s negative side. I spent weeks of crying myself to sleep and hoping that all the magic that I felt when we were starting would be back once my tears drained. It was so painful. I felt so shattered.

And the reason why I would love a man is because I don't want to be alone. I am afraid to be alone and I cannot stand alone. I may look tough but honestly, I am weak. I cry a lot every night. And when my first love had left me, it feels like I cannot love anymore, I could never find someone like him anymore like he was the last man on earth. But then I realized I deserve someone better. Someone who won't leave me and make me cry. And because my first love had caused me too much pain, and made me cry a lot of tears for 3 months, I set my standards too high. My ideal man would be, someone who is religious, knows how to play any instrument but I prefer that instrument would be piano or guitar. And when it comes to his looks I like someone with thick eyebrows just like Adam Lamberg (Gordo) of Lizzie McGuire because I find it really attractive and I don't know why. I want someone who has pointed nose and beautiful eyes. I also want someone who is tall and knows how to play basketball. I want someone who loves to play with children, read Bible a lot, and someone who is fun to be with and I can get comfortable with. Someone who can keep the promise Forever and Always. Someone who won't break my heart and will always tell me he loves me. Someone who can understand me. Someone who will always find a way to make time for me. Someone who won't like other girls' facebook photos. Someone who can accept the real me. And I want the old-style courtship. I hate it when someone courts me through texts or chat. I am looking for someone who will get the approval of my parents first about courting me.

As time passes, my wounded heart started to heal. There may still be scars from that painful experience but on the positive side, those scars reminds me that at my age it would be best if I focus on my sties first. I am not closing my doors or whatever; it’s just that it would be best for me to know my help priorities. It will make me more mature and it will help me be ready for Mr. Right, at the perfect time!